I have had a growing number of people contact me through my site asking for advice regarding their own Life Change. I recently received an email from one girl seeking the answer to one important life question, ‘How do I find the perfect partner?’ There are millions of people, around the world, who are also looking for the very answer to this question, so it is an important one that I would like to answer in this blog.
It would be helpful for me to share with you some of the content of the email that I received:
“I am 29 years old and all my girlfriends have partners. I am the only single girl in my group of friends and I don’t know why! I meet guys and I get close to guys but for some reason, just when it all seems to be going good, I decide that they are not the ‘perfect partner’ that I am looking for and I end the relationship. I know it sounds crazy, but can you please help!” – Laura.
In her email Laura went on to explain her fairy-tale image of the perfect partner.
From a young age women, more than men (although blokes still do) develop an image of their perfect partner, what they look like, what they feel like, how they sound or what job they may have, their interests and passions and the way that they treat you as their perfect princess. Let’s be very real here, this fairy-tale image of the perfect partner should be kept in the place where it was birthed – the school playground. That is not to say that you should just grab any old bloke and not look for the partner who is right for you.
We are all aware that the media, the films, celebrities, bands and TV portray an image of what the ‘perfect’ man or woman is, both in looks and personality. We are aware, on a conscious level, of the fact that this is simply “Hollywood”. Nevertheless, on an sub-conscious level we take on board the need to find this perfect partner.
We each have a Reticular Activating System (RAS) which is located at the base of the brain, amongst many functions, it receives incoming sensory information from our external worlds and filters and sorts out what is important and meaningful for us to pay attention to. The Reticular Activating System then sends a signal to our conscious brain for inspection, helping the senses from being overloaded by too much stimuli.
So, for example, say you buy a red car; you will probably notice red cars everywhere. Or in a noisy place and you are listening for a loved ones voice, that voice will stand out among the background sounds. Your RAS is considered to be your goal machine.
If any individual has built up an image of what a perfect partner looks like or acts like then this is what our RAS goes hunting for. Remember at this stage we are initially looking for attraction, looking for what the right partner looks like, before we reach the conversation stage where we get to know more about their personality.
As you walk through town shopping, or when you are out with your friends your RAS is honing in on any individual who fits your internal description of a perfect partner, the Hollywood image perfection that you have been focussing on. When we feel like we have met someone who fits the bill we then engage in conversation and find them to be sweet, charming, caring and all of the other characteristics that we hope our perfect partner would be. Time moves on, we may go on a few dates, of which the first few seem to be going well. However, we then start to discover that everyone is ‘perfect’ until you get to know them.
The first time you meet a potential partner they are nice to you, as you would expect, as you are to them. During the first few dates your partner is dressed to impress both in clothing and in personality. If you hold so close to you the image of who and what a ‘perfect partner’ is, then not before long, you realise that this potential partner is not as perfect as you first thought – they may be more focused on their job than on you, they may have habits that annoy you, they may have interests, friends and hobbies that do not match up to your image of perfection and suddenly you end the relationship. As Lucy has mentioned, this happens time and time again and it is the image of ‘perfection’ that needs to be broken.
The liberation of imperfection
It is fair to say that if we have a level of idealism towards the perfection that we demand of a partner, there is an equal level of demand for perfection of ourselves. True happiness, contentment and life change occurs when we appreciate that although we strive for perfection, we will never get there. Once we truly appreciate this fact there is a sigh of relief when we realise that we are chasing an unobtainable goal, we can go easy on ourselves. At the heart of life change lies the single truth that although we seek to better ourselves – our looks, our personality, our character, our fitness – you are incredibly beautiful just the way that we were created.
There is a perfection that is demanded of the world, that the world imposes on us – being the right size, wearing the right dress, shopping in the right places, striving to go one better than those in our friendship circles. This Hollywood perfection that is imposed upon us is the same perfection that we we seek of a partner and there is the perfection of the way that we were uniquely and divinely created and place into the world – the perfection of creation, the perfection in the way that we ‘just are’.
You can strive for perfection that the word demands of you which creates guilt, pressure, stress and a life long challenge to pursue a goal that you will never reach. Or you can accept the fact that you were created perfect – the ‘you’ that you are and that was brought into this world is beautiful. You may have picked up bad habits in character, personality and fitness along the way but that is okay – we start from a place of a love for ourselves and we seek to improve those aspects of our lives based upon a love from ourselves and not a demand from the world.
Finding perfection in imperfection
When we accept that there is a perfection in the way that are were uniquely created, we appreciate that this is a far greater and higher perfection than the one that is demanded upon us from the world outside. When we truly understand this greater perfection we become content and secure in this knowledge and place a different level of expectation on a ‘perfect partner’, we are happy to meet a partner who is perfect just the way they are.
When two individuals come together who appreciate both the qualities and the weaknesses of each other and yet encourage one another to grow and become the best that they can, this is a relationship that stands to last. A relationship built upon Hollywood’s image of perfection, is built upon a superficial foundation that changes with the seasons of time. It is often the case, in this scenario, that if we strive for a superficial understanding of perfection in a partner, when this partner no longer meets our image of ‘perfection’ the relationship is over and we look for someone else to meet this man-made ideal. This cycle is never ending and there is never true contentment and happiness of two sharing the rest of their lives together, irrespective of the other person’s bad habits and imperfections.
There is so much life changing information that I have to share with you on the subject of ‘finding the perfect partner’, which is why this post is written in two parts. However, for now, I want you to do two things:
1) Write down a list of everything that you are currently looking for in a partner. Be honest as you write your list, even if you are currently looking for ‘Hollywood traits’ – just write them down. Write down the job you want your partner to have, the characters of your partner, how you want your partner to treat you.
Once you have written this list I want you to circle anything that is of the ‘Hollywood perfection’ that is forced upon you. Just circle those things.
2) Next, I want you to write down a list of the aspects of YOU that you want to change, that you want to make ‘perfect’. Write them down.
Once again, I want you to circle anything that is of the ‘Hollywood perfection’ that you the world is forcing upon you – just write it down.
Now, when you have accomplished both of the above I want you to look at the results, be honest with yourself, what ‘perfections’, that the world has forced upon, have you been striving for in both your own life and which of these ‘perfections’ have you been looking for in your partner.
We all strive for a level of perfection but when you work out whether you are striving for a perfection that is forced upon you from the world or whether you are pursuing the beautiful perfection of your very creation I guarantee your world will change. Once you realise how much of your life you have been chasing to please others, placing demands on yourself and demands on a future partner, you will begin to change in the most amazing way.
I want you to think about everything that you have learnt about in this post, everything that you have written down. Have a think about it, what does it mean to you.
In ‘How do I find the perfect partner?’ Part two I am going to share with you the the very changes that you can make in your own life that will set you on a path of meeting the very partner who was created, just for you.
Receive free life change resources by subscribing to my e-newsletter in the right hand box at the top or by clicking on this link: Mark Bowness – Life Change Instigator Newsletter.
Please also go ahead and ‘like’ my Facebook Page to ask questions and engage with a growing community of people just like you, people committed to Life Change. It would be great to see you there! Mark Bowness – Life Change Instigator – Facebook page. Or follow me on Twitter @mark_bowness
[...] blog is a follow up to ‘How do I find the perfect partner? Part One’ which responds to an email that I received from Laura, who struggles to find the perfect partner. [...]